TRAVELS WITH MY AUNT
We therefore commit her body to be consumed by fire.
In sure and certain hope of resurrection to Eternal Life
- To our Lord Jes... - Who are we cremating?
- A Mrs. Pulling. - Oh, good!
Tell me... Is there a Mr. Pulling?
A son. In the front pew.
Thank you.
- Do you have a telephone? - Over there, madam.
Thank you.
Hello. Are you the man that called?
Would they take half and take my guarantee for the other 50?
But it is a great deal of money.
Well, yes ... oh, yes.
Yes, I have received his ring.
No, I ... What did you say?
You'll send his ... his what?
No, please, don't hurt him.
No, he's afraid of pain.
And he's very old. Please ... please, you ...
Hello.
Henry. You are Henry, aren't you?
Yes, but I'm afraid I don't...
I'm Augusta. Your Aunt Augusta.
Aunt Augusta? But Mother said that you had died
many years ago. She said that you'd been lost at sea,
wasn't that it?
Oh, but I was rescued, Henry
frequently.
- I'm waiting for the ashes. - I'll wait with you.
It's a very long time since I saw my dear sister.
I hope she died peacefully.
- Oh yes, you know, at the time... - Are you still with the bank?
Yes, I'm an assistant manager now.
I asked for leave of absence when Mother was taken.
Splendid, and what do you do?
- With your spare time? - I cultivate dahlias.
Oh ... Goodness gracious!
How much did my sister leave you?
Nothing really. Just the house.
We only met at religious ceremonies.
I came to your baptism, I wasn't asked but I came.
Like the wicked fairy.
I didn't know there was any breach, Mother often spoke of you.
She was a very saintly woman, my sister Angelique.
She should have had a white funeral.
La Pucelle.
I don't quite see. La Pucelle means ...
Yes, it's Joan of Arc. The maid.
- The virgin. - Exactly.
To put it bluntly, Aunt Augusta, I am here.
To put it bluntly to you ...
that had nothing to do with Angelique.
Well then, who was my real mother, Aunt Augusta?
Well, she was a charming girl ... really charming.
But she was rather
naughty.
And some women are just not cut out for motherhood, Henry.
This shouldn't come as a shock to you, Henry dear.
My sister, your mother ...
You see, your stepmother ... We should agree to call her that ...
was a very noble person.
My real father, did you know him?
No, no, I heard tell of him. He was a bit of a hound.
But then so are most men. It's their best quality.
There's a bit of a hound in you too.
- I don't think so. - We may discover it in time.
I beg your pardon, madam.
Will you come with me, sir?
I'll be right back, Aunt Augusta.
Happy to have been of service, sir.
- What are you going to do with it? - Place it among my dahlias.
- It'd be a little bleak in winter. - I could bring it indoors then.
Oh, backwards and forwards. She's hardly likely to rest in peace
I'll think it over.
You aren't married, are you ?
- No. - Any children?
Of course not.
There's also the question of whom you will bequeath my sister.
- I am likely to predecease you. - One cannot think of everything.
You could have left it here.
I thought it would look well among my dahlias.
"To each his own"
- Well, Aunt Augusta ... - Oh, taxi!
Taxi!
We'll have a drink at my flat ... 90 St. Martin's Lane.
Really, Aunt Augusta ...
Come on...
I live on the third floor.
Henry, I think I ought to warn you before we go in.
In my case, a white funeral would be quite out of place.
But you never married.
No, no, but I've always nearly had friends.
Age only modifies our emotions.
It does not destroy them.
Alfie, hello. The usual please. And a ...
- A sherry. - Dry?
- Please. - And a dry sherry.
- Doesn't the noise disturb you? - No, a bar is convenient.
If I run short, I just send Wordsworth down.
- Who's Wordsworth? - I call him like that.
I cannot bring myself to call him Zachary.
He's your valet?
Let us say, he attends to my wants.
Well, come along, Henry.
Will you miss your poor stepmother, Henry?
Oh yes, she was a fine woman. But set in her ways.
- Oh, you're a fortune ... - No. He is.
You go on up. I'll bring the milk.
I closed.
This is my nephew, Wordsworth.
You be telling the whole truth, woman?
Oh, Wordsworth, Wordsworth.
Venice once meant a great deal to me.
Wait, wait, things come.
I see a cross. Perhaps you find religion.
Or it could be a double cross.
- I've always been interested in religion. - Keep away from the desert.
- You're an undertaker? - No.
There's something that looks like an urn.
It might be an urn.
There's a mystery in your life.
I've only just discovered that.
Wordsworth comes from Sierra Leone.
The telephone talk bloody loud. You not here.
I tell them you gone to a very smart burial.
It's convenient to tell the truth.
I say you come back 7 o'clock.
Everything okay? Happy funeral?
Henry, have you forgotten your parcel?
No, I have it here.
Wordsworth can put it in the refrigerator with the milk.
That's quite unnecessary with ashes.
Let him take it there just the same We don't want to be reminded all the time
of my poor, dear sister.
Come along, Henry.
This is Wordsworth's little nook.
These are also from Venice. Clever, but not so pretty.
More suitable for a man however, don't you think?
I wouldn't like to wake up to them.
He seldom does.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much.
Special delivery.
What on earth can it be?
Oh, Wordsworth ...
- What is it? - Unexpected gift from old friend.
Oh, baby ... Baby.
My beautiful girl. Open your beautiful eyes.
Such a wicked man.
He's not worth one single tear.
Your finger. My God!
My God, his finger! Where is it?
Don't look again. No, don't look again.
His what?
- I've got to help him. - You've got to forget him.
How can I get any money at all?
And $100,000!
Who are you? - I'm...
Oh yes, yes, yes. You're Henry, yes.
Now, where were we?
I was going to show you the bedroom.
Would you mix us some drinks?
Come this way, Henry dear.
Here we are. Henry, sit down here, dear.
And tell me all about yourself.
- Don't you want me to go? - No, it was nothing at all.
It was a practical joke.
- Now, tell me. - Well ...
Oh, dear. I'm ...
Well, just begin, Henry.
First of all, of course, there are my dahlias.
Dahlias, that's fascinating.
Tell me, Henry, what do you actually do at the bank?
Oh, I'm the man with all the keys.
Oh ... Then you could rob the bank?
Yes, of course. But I wouldn't.
If you were desperate for money? A great deal of money?
Aunt August, one just doesn't.
- Why not? - I could never be a criminal.
I learnt early in life that we get out of life what we put into it.
No more, no less.
Balls!
Some of us get out of life precisely what everyone else
is stupid enough to put into it
I'll go, you entertain my nephew.
Miss Bertram, Mr. Crowder's downstairs.
- In the bar? - Follow me, please.
Hello, Augusta.
£ 50,000. My man in Paris will exchange them for dollars.
This involves a great deal of risk.
- You called me, Augusta. - I'm desperate for money.
An old, very dear friend of mine is in trouble.
I need $100,000 to get him out of it.
- This job is worth only ten ... - Plus expenses.
Plus expenses.
You'll be paid on delivery.
How's the painting market these days ?
- Anything for me? - I must say I've been out of touch.
- but I'll leave tomorrow. - Alone?
No, I may have a companion,
a man.
The black?
No, more conventional.
And dependable, I hope.
I entrust you with a good deal of money,
my money.
- Who is this man? - Visconti.
"To my adored Gusta ... Ercole."
Oh, rather a close friend I gather?
Yeah ... You might say.
Henry dear, can you tell me how much is £ 10,000 in dollars?
- At 2.56 ... $25,600. - In francs?
- 132,282. - In lire?
15,058,822.
Thank you very much, Henry.
Mr. Wordsworth ...
It has made me so happy meeting you, aunt Augusta.
You are my only close relative now.
As far as you know.
Your father had spells of activity.
My poor stepmother.
I shall never be able to think of anyone else as my ...
It's better so.
You will come one day and see my dahlias?
Now that I've found you again, Henry,
I shan't easily let you go.
Thank you for being so ...
50,000 ... Pity it isn't all mine.
Still, 10,000 is a start.
I'd pay for Visconti's dead body, not his living body.
Mr.Visconti's in trouble. I'm going to help him.
He make all the sugar in the world melt in his mouth but I not trust that fella.
He's plenty mean. He'd take no chance for you.
You're jealous of Mr. Visconti.
My ears burn when you speak his name.
Mr. Visconti's desperate. They're killing him bit by bit.
Let them make him one big hamburger.
Yes! Yes!
A brown-paper parcel.
You want me bring it down right away?
It's a bloody lot of trouble, man. Stay there.
- He forgot his mother. - She's in the fridge.
Thank you.
Someone opened it.
I just want to see what you got there.
You could have asked me.
You're not offended at old Wordsworth ?
I didn't like the way you spoke just now.
It's just that little phone down there.
There I am up there and down there my voice is popping out into the street.
No one sees us, only old Wordsworth.
It's a sort of power, man.
It's like the burning bush when it spoke to old Moses.
- Forgive me, Mr. Pullen. - Pulling. ing. ing.
- Oh, really. - Take care, man.
Henry Pulling.
Listen very carefully. I've the most extraordinary story to tell you.
I've been raided by the police.
- Raided? By the police? - Yes.
Listen very carefully, Henry for
they may call on you.
- Mr. Pulling? - Yes.
I'm sorry to disturb you. We're looking for a package ...
Any objection to our opening the package?
I most certainly would.
We could have easily obtained a search warrant but we wanted to do it delicately.
- That is yours, sir, you admit that ? - Of course it's mine.
It's an urn of my mother's ashes.
Do you mind if I take a look?
- It's sealed with tape. - Naturally.
I'd like to take a sample for analysis.
Do you think I'll let you play around with my poor mother?
I understand how you feel.
But we took some fluff from the man Wordsworth's pocket,
we analyzed, it contained pot.
Marijuana to you, sir. Cannabis.
What has it got to do with my mother?
It's possible Wordsworth took out the ashes, removed your mother
so to speak, and substituted pot.
Now, sir, you wouldn't want to see that urn and wonder:
are those really the ashes of your dear departed
or are they an illegal supply of marijuana.
We'd only take a tiny pinch, sir.
Take your pinch.
Look, driver, there it is, look, look.
The one with the dahlias.
Just wait a minute. I won't be very long.
Henry.
Oh, good morning, Henry.
- Where is Wordsworth? - In Paris.
Do you know what that bastard did?
He mixed pot with my mother's ashes.
- Yes, I know. Henry. - Well, my God.
- Poor Henry! - Poor Henry? Poor Mother!
- I mean, poor... - Poor Angelique, you mean.
Calm down, Henry. What is done cannot be undone.
They're putting all the blame on poor Wordsworth.
You may be in serious trouble, too.
And so may you, Henry.
Some unpleasantness in the press.
The press?
"Bank Manager Conceals Pot In Mother's Ashes,"
that sort of slander.
Now I ...
I have a small
I have a small commission
which necessitates my going to Paris.
All things considered, I think it best you should come along with me.
I've booked two seats on the B.A. three o'clock flight.
Paris? I'm not accustomed to foreign travel.
You'll take to it quickly enough in my company.
But my dahlias?
Pack, Henry.
Pack ?
Pack.
Why are we traveling first class? Why not tourist?
We're wasting almost seven pounds.
The difference between First Class and Tourist
is wiped out by the champagne and caviar.
You must learn to surrender yourself to extravagance, Henry.
Poverty can strike suddenly, like influenza.
You know all the ropes, don't you?
I know enough to get what I want
by air, rail, and sea.
Like your father.
My father was a great traveler?
He traveled from one woman to another,
which comes to the same thing.
Why have you traveled so much?
To earn my living, the business I was in was peripatetic.
We moved around.
Venice, Milan, Firenze, Roma, Napoli.
It was known as "La Quindicina."
Oh, you were in a theater company?
That description will serve.
Remember, I was much younger in those days.
Acting needs no excuse.
I wasn't excusing myself, I was explaining.
In that profession, age is a great handicap.
I was lucky enough to leave in good time, thanks to Mr. Visconti.
Mr. Visconti?
He is, I suppose, the only man I have ever
really loved.
Steward! Some more champagne.
We're just coming in to land.
Then you'll have to hurry, won't you ?
Employ a porter, Henry.
It's easier to obtain a taxi with the aid of a porter.
And show the man the tip you'll give him will be a good one.
Before you go through customs.
Excuse me.
There's an understanding between a porter and a customs inspector.
Now, you go through customs down there.
- These are the luggage checks. - Aren't you coming with me?
No, I'll see you at the hotel. The St. George and Albion.
- Have you got anything to declare? - Only one is a little dangerous.
The red one. Red for danger.
Currency should have free circulation.
- Free circulation? - Yes.
Mr. Visconti taught me that.
Open.
One moment.
Is it your first time in Paris?
Sorry?
Is it your first time in Paris?
Yes, it's the first time. I'm
- Are you American? - Sorry?
- American? - Oh, no. I'm English.
Look! There's the Arc de Triomphe.
- Where's the Arc de Triomphe? - Here! The Arc de Triomphe.
Here. See it?
- Yes? - Mrs. Augusta Bertram.
- She stays in the Albion wing. - How do I ..?
We'll have your luggage sent around.
I'm Miss Bertram's nephew.
Of course ... 217. Your passport, please.
- You'll let me have it back? - Naturally, Mr. Pulling.
There.
- For you both. - Thank you, monsieur.
Aunt Augusta?
It's open. I'm on the telephone.
Yes, Monsieur Dambreuse.
Oh, what a pity. Do you know when he'll be back?
In two days. Saturday!
Thank you. No, no message, no.
- Anything wrong? - No, no.
Rien, rien. Nothing at all.
- It's so... - It's provided by a dear friend.
Mr. Visconti?
Monsieur Dambreuse. In metals.
I met him some time ago when I was here doing a little modeling
for some artists: Modigliani...
He's not in Paris at the moment.
I hope he's back in time.
- Quick. - Monsieur Dambreuse?
- This is my nephew. - Of course, Madame.
Henry, bring me the red case here.
Henry ... Oh, thank you, Henry.
That will be all, Henry.
Out, Henry. Out!
Mr. Pullen. Mr. Pullen.
In all his work, most wonderful.
Wordsworth!
Praise to the Lord!
- I must talk with you, Wordsworth. - Everybody out.
Out, out. Come along, Mr. Pullen.
They're just short-timers.
Jig-Jig, one, two, three ... out.
You want a beautiful girl, you come along with me.
Pull over there, Wordsworth.
Now, why did you mean sending me away with cannabis in my mother's urn?
There's no cannibals in England.
No cannibals in Sierra Leone.
I'm talking about the ashes.
Cannibals in Nigeria, no cannibals in Sierra Leone.
I didn't say cannibals.
Leopard Society in Sierra Leone, they kill plenty people.
But not chop them up.
Pot! You mixed pot with my ..!
- The police came. - Bloody police.
My mother didn't even smoke cigarettes.
Ah... I'll find you lovely girls.
A schoolteacher.
I don't want a girl.
I'll tell your fortune, then you have drink with old Wordsworth.
There was the right joint, right there.
"Ça va, chéri." Present your friend.
I'll have a whisky.
Mr. Pullen, you meet these two girls.
Baby and Bluta, lovely girls.
Both schoolteachers.
What do you teach?
You want these girls, huh?
How much for my friend?
They say they want 200 francs.
You'll thank them very much but tell them I'm not interested,
I have to return to my house.
Oh, you queer!
Cool it, will you?
If this is what you call teaching, I don't want it.
Oh no, no. You want teaching, you take them to hotel.
Come with me.
Sit down.
Very dark, very dark.
What?
Your aunt is trying to save that old man Visconti, he's been kidnapped.
She tries to raise money by working for Crowder.
- Crowder? - Really big crook.
She carries hot money for him.
She needs you, Mr. Pullen.
To help her.
You see this?
No, I don't see a thing.
You white.
Come!
But first, pay the price.
Take care of your auntie, Mr. Pullen.
- Darling. - Will you buy us a drink?
Henry. Oh, Henry.
- Hurry, our train leaves. - What train?
First tell me who Mr. Crowder is. I ran into Wordsworth.
Oh, he's always such an alarmist.
Mr. Crowder is a ... financier, of sorts.
I'm delivering something for him to General Abdul.
General Abdul?
Come along, Henry, we're off to Istanbul.
Istanbul? But we just got here.
We haven't seen anything, Notre Dame, le Louvre.
The Louvre, Henry!
All those naked women with parts missing,
It's morbid.
New people, new places, new customs.
The accumulation of memories.
A long life is not a question of years.
Without memories, one might live to be 100
and feel his life had been a brief one.
Can you believe this is part of a railway station
with all these paintings on?
Grenoble!
Villefranche!
Avignon!
The Old Port of Marseilles.
Oh, Henry ...
The battle of the flowers at Nice.
Can you imagine what it feels like to be intoxicated by the sun?
and the sweet sea air,
the scent of millions of flowers?
Hyacinths, roses, narcissi and
the colors: Lavenders, pinks, mauves.
Oh, the Gare de Lyon is the most romantic station in Europe.
From here, one can go anywhere.
Venice, Rome, Madrid.
It was here I first met
Mr. Visconti.
Oh! My hat.
Monte Carlo.
Risk a few pounds and
join the company of kings and courtesans.
Mont Blanc.
One can stand at the top of the world, my darling.
Orange! A performance of "Phèdre".
In the audience, the divine Sarah Bernhardt.
I sing to you my serenade of love
Your gentle charm I worship in your sweet embrace
Your eyes are bright as stars that shine above
Your tears are warm like summer rain
Each time you smile at me I know that we should be
Together making dreams come true
To me, you're everything And from my heart I sing
This serenade of love to you
Each time you smile at me I know that we should be
Together making dreams come true
To me you're everything
And from my heart I sing
Attention! Attention! Last call for the Orient Express.
Lausanne, Milan
Come along, Henry ... It's time to go.
Attention! Attention! Last call for the Orient Express.
- I'll get us something to read. - Yes, very well.
- Are you traveling on your own? - Yes.
- How far are you going? - Katmandu.
Would you like some champagne? It's good for the spirit.
- Wordsworth! - Don't go!
It's very dangerous.
I can't hear you.
Look! Please, don't go.
Poor Wordsworth. He was trying to tell me something.
Something must be wrong. I wonder.
- He's such a dear man. - Aunt Augusta!
- Oh, this is 71, - 71?
Yes, this young lady's couchette.
- What did you say your name was? - Tooley.
- She's going to Istanbul, too. - En passant.
Then she's going to Katmandu.
- I thought that was in Nepal? - Something like that.
She and I have been having a little chat.
- What did you say your name was? - Tooley.
Tooley, oh.
I'm afraid there's no restaurant car until the Turkish border.
You're welcome to share my Pepsi, my milk chocolate, and my ham.
The conductor will provide us with coffee and croissants in the morning.
I'm off to bed now. Henry, you look after that.
You keep the champagne... Tooley.
Sleep well, dear.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Can you manage, Aunt Augusta? - Yes, dear. Good night.
- Good night. - Good night.
- I like your mother. - She's my aunt.
So friendly. I was feeling lonesome.
Lousy and lonesome.
- I don't think I'll sleep. - It's past midnight.
- I'm so worried. - Anything I can do to help?
I just want to talk.
- I've never smoked American cigarettes. - I got these in Paris.
- Are you Roman Catholic? - No, Anglican.
I nearly became a Catholic once, because of Bobby Kennedy.
Was Macbeth a Catholic?
It's not a question that ever occurred to me.
Why are you worried, Miss Tooley?
Just Tooley.
I had a fight with my boyfriend, he wanted to go third-class to Istanbul.
It's crazy. We couldn't sleep together in third class.
And besides, I have money, haven't I?
My father will me pay back.
And Julian said: you can stick your money up your arse.
That's an English expression, isn't it?
- In a manner of speaking. - He's English.
- Are these herbal? - I don't think so.
We met while we were sitting down in Trafalgar Square.
Julian.
Feeding the pigeons?
My father is ironic, too.
Irony is a great literary quality. Like passion.
I ... don't know much about liter...
Well, I don't know much
about passion.
I'm majoring in English Lit.
- What does your father do? - C.I.A.
That must be interesting.
I tell him he sees the world horizontally.
That's superficial. I want to see the world vertically.
Well, if you go on traveling with Julian,
your point of view is liable to become definitely horizontal.
Well, I want to see the world vertically.
In depth.
Oh, you're fabulous. I feel I've met you before.
As a character, I mean.
We did Dickens in depth.
Vertically.
- What's your name? - Henry.
- Not Harry? - One cannot be baptized Harry.
I knew a guy once
who was baptized
Knock Me Down.
What's the trouble, Miss Tooley?
What is it?
I forgot the damn pill and
I haven't had the curse for six weeks.
I almost told your mother earlier.
She's my aunt.
Julian says it was all my fault.
"If I have to remind you all the time", he says,
"I lose my spontaneity."
His what?
His theory is that women want to castrate men
and one way to do it is by taking away their spontaneity.
You know what I think? I think ...
I think that you ought to go home and tell your parents.
In the singular. I don't count Mom.
I don't exactly know where Pa is.
Haven't you got anyone ..?
Haven't you anywhere to call home?
Julian and me felt like home.
Henry, you don't mind if we stay together tonight, do you?
- Pardon? - Oh, just to sleep.
If you're not in the mood for anything else. Scoot over.
Scoot over.
Why should I mind?
After all
this is the Orient Express.
Thank you, Signore.
Mama! Mama!
Mama mia. You're still the same.
- Who the hell is that? - Mr. Visconti's son.
He's brought us some food.
All my youth is coming back to me, Mama.
Why is he calling you that?
I've known him since he was a boy.
Mario, my son.
Yes, yes, I'm coming now.
- Mama mia. - Mario.
My Mario.
- Oh, beautiful girl. - Thank you.
- Mama, here you are. - My nephew Henry.
Hurry, Mario, we haven't much time.
Mama, this was sent yesterday.
It's from the kidnappers. It's terrible.
Mama! Somebody help me! Cognac!
Please! Oh, mama.
What will we do for poor Papa?
Maybe it's too late. Maybe he's dead already.
I don't like a man who cries.
Have you never cried?
No.
Not in public.
They called me yesterday. Oh, it's terrible ...
What else did they say?
Have you any money? To pay the waiter.
Aunt Augusta, come along.
- What was that all about? - Money and Mr. Visconti.
They've been in contact with Mario. He's to be the intermediary.
Who was his mother?
Some ghastly German cow.
What does he do? Is he an actor?
Oh, no. He writes verse, drama ...
- Can he live on that? - He gets money from women.
Ah, a gigolo.
Rather disgusting at his age.
Age has nothing to do with it.
He can make a woman laugh.
He made Tooley laugh.
His father was the same.
It's the best way to win a woman, to make her laugh.
Oh, the dear boy.
When did you see him last?
Mario? I have not seen him for years.
He was a sweet child.
Too sweet, perhaps, to last.
And his father?
I never associated sweetness with Mr. Visconti.
Charm perhaps, but ...
... not sweetness.
Was Mr. Visconti ... a theatrical manager?
No, but a great amateur
of what you insist upon calling the stage.
You mean he often came to see your company, "La Quindicina"?
Not often enough.
Sometimes I ... I didn't see him for years.
When he was with me
he made me feel as though I was the most
the most wonderful woman in the world.
Life was always very monotonous without him, Henry.
Where did he go when he wasn't with you?
Don't keep asking me so many questions, Henry
Go and ask Tooley some. And give her some food.
Take the red case with you.
Ercole.
It was pure coincidence. He wasn't looking for me.
I hadn't seen him in years.
Ercole.
Not here. Come outside.
Ercole, you came back.
Don't I always come back, my darling?
- I don't mind warm Pepsi. - Ham?
I hope I'm not eating for two.
Julian did a fabulous painting of a Pepsi bottle once.
- He painted it bright yellow. - Fauve.
He wants to do a series of enormous pictures.
Heinz soup cans in fabulous colors.
So, a rich man could have a different soup in every room.
Julian says we're living in the Soup Age.
That's why the East is so important to him.
- As Tahiti was for Gauguin. - Yes.
Do they have an abortionist on this train?
The good thing about 9 months gone, I wouldn't know whether
my baby would be Bulgarian or Turkish or
Or...What was that other border that we cross ?
Greek Macedonian.
- Oh, yes. I'd chose that one. - You wouldn't have a choice.
I'd hang on. When they said "push", I wouldn't push.
I think we're in another country.
Quick, open that window and toss your roach.
My what? What are you doing?
- What have we been smoking? - Pot, of course.
- Who is it? - Aunt Augusta.
I'm sorry awfully to disturb you.
I've just come for my case.
- It's ... - Thank you.
I can almost believe poor Wordsworth is with us.
We could be sent to prison.
Yes, but isn't it worth it?
- Can I call you "Smudge"? - Why Smudge?
I had a dog called "Smudge" once.
I used to talk to him all the time
Oh, I've got a terrible bellyache.
You don't think the ham was horse?
I always understood that horse had a sweetish taste.
I didn't want a literal answer.
- Turkey! - No, ham.
We're in Turkey.
Yes. Oh, Henry, we'll soon be in Istanbul.
I'm afraid Tooley's going to have a baby.
She ought to take precautions.
In any case, it's far too early for you to worry.
Oh, how can you possibly think ...
Enter, please.
- Yes? - I'm Colonel Hakim.
- This is my nephew. - Mr. Pulling, Ms. Bertram.
Good day, Mr. Pulling.
Mrs. Bertram.
I think we have a mutual acquaintance. General Abdul.
And how is General Abdul?
I had hoped to see him again.
I'm afraid he's a very sick man.
He was shot while trying to escape.
Escape from what?
From me.
Am I to be interrogated, Colonel?
Yes, in a way. I hope in an agreeable way.
What, may I ask, are we supposed to have done?
General Abdul was planning a little trouble in Istanbul.
A little revolution.
He was short of dollars and got in touch with ...
But why should I bore you with those details.
Nothing has been found in Mr. Pulling's luggage, sir.
Now the suitcases.
May I trouble you for the keys?
Neither is locked, Colonel Hakim.
The red suitcase.
No, that's mine. Why do you have my red case, Aunt Augusta ?
So, this is your case, Mr. Pulling?
What fuss!
I'll never understand the English.
Oh, Henry!
- Hey, it happened. - What ?
The thing, the curse.
It was the jolting of the train. I feel fabulous.
Good.
- What's going on? - Official business.
- The fuzz. - An escort.
- You've been so kind, Mr. Pulling. - Smudge.
I don't know what I'd have done without you.
Go gently on the cigarettes, Tooley.
Goodbye, Smudge.
And Tooley,
stay vertical.
You're simply being deported as undesirables.
Deported ... Undesirable ...
Oh, Henry, what is considered to be undesirable
in one part of the world
is cherished in another.
You must not allow this to distort your values.
Oh my God. What a trip.
We've been traveling for five days.
I didn't see Paris or Istanbul.
Not one bloody minaret.
Henry, look! A minaret!
- I missed it. - Next time, Henry.
It's traveling that's interesting.
I think we can squeeze in there. If we sit still.
Have you no respect for the law?
It depends which Law you refer to.
The Ten Commandments!
I can't take seriously the one about the ox and the ass.
What you were planning is illegal.
How can I plan anything like that? I've never read any of the laws.
I don't know what they are.
Henry, I'm desperate.
If I can't get my hands on 100,000 dollars,
they're going to kill him.
- Who? Mario? - Who'd bother to kill Mario?
Mister Visconti.
He's being held captive somewhere in North Africa.
They want $100,000 to let him go.
This is a matter for the police.
The police? No, they'd kill him if I called in the police.
- Could it be a hoax? - It can't be.
First of all, they sent me this. It's his ring.
I gave it to him.
He wore it on the second finger of his left hand.
"From your adoring Augusta."
The next day they sent the finger.
That box ! when I was there?
Yes. Then Mario brought me his ear.
- Mario what? - Brought me his ear!
Oh my God! What, in Milan?
And now, I'm risking my neck. I've lost Crowder's money.
You shouldn't play around with people like Crowder.
What I need is a very rich man.
And I'm far too old to get one.
Isn't Monsieur Dambreuse a very rich man?
Oh, yes.
Oh, Henry ...
Monsieur Dambreuse is never late.
- When did you see him last? - Oh ...
It was rather a disgraceful story.
Trust me.
It's your sense of humor I don't trust.
I don't think we find the same things funny.
A man's innocent until he's proved guilty.
You're improving, Henry.
Did you ever have a child, Aunt Augusta?
I wouldn't have made a good mother.
I suppose he could have turned out to be perfectly respectable.
Like myself?
Oh, I don't despair of you, Henry.
I met Monsieur Dambreuse ... many years ago now.
Oh, she's dead.
It's terrible ... it's awful.
She's breathing. Take care of the horse.
Easy now ... I don't think anything is broken.
Does it hurt there?
I'll take good care of you. Come! Let me take you home.
Oh, I forgot.
Careful now.
Take this.
I see you're feeling better now.
Careful.
That he was married didn't worry me at all.
I'm not a jealous woman.
He told me he had a house in the country.
- Is madam here? - Yes.
Where he lived with his wife and two children.
He used to leave me every Saturday morning.
For a weekend with his family. Not returning till Monday morning.
Well, naturally he was ...
I've always preferred an occasional orgy to a nightly routine.
How Monsieur Dambreuse and I used to laugh.
I really did love him.
Not as I loved Mr. Visconti.
The first is always ...
Later I learned Monsieur Dambreuse had good reason for laughter.
He had another mistress
in a suite exactly the same as ours.
In the St. George wing. She was called Louise.
His afternoon girl.
His tuesday, wednesday, Thursday, Friday afternoon girl.
Bonjour.
Where are you?
You'll have to admit that was quite an accomplishment -
- for a man retired from full-time work for reasons of ill health.
One day I went down to take tea in the winter garden.
- Champagne. - Yes, madam.
I started talking to the lady at the next table.
Have you got a light
Are you living in the Albion wing ?
- Yes. Are you in the St. George? - Yes.
What a coincidence !
Both of us spoke of our so-called husbands.
They both worked for the same metallurgical company.
What a coincidence.
Achille!
He tried to carry it off, but he failed.
Sometimes I get the awful feeling
that I'm the only one left -
anywhere who finds any fun in
life.
I was ready to continue as we were.
Surely you couldn't bear him out.
Don't talk like a fool.
I'm sorry, Henry. It's not your fault.
You were brought up by Angelique.
In any case, he went elsewhere.
Henry, I'm starving.
Oh, he came back later, of course.
He was very fond of me.
Oh, we laughed a lot together.
Achille.
My dear friend.
- My nephew. - Really?
Really, my love.
You are the nephew of my Mauve Modigliani?
When I bought the picture, I fell in love.
Then I had to have the original.
I found her in the Bois de Boulogne.
And here she still is,
even lovelier than the painting.
When I die,
there is only one place for the painting,
on your wall.
Thank you, monsieur.
Henry.
My nephew is leaving. Say good night, Henry.
Bonsoir, Monsieur Dambreuse.
Thank you.
Aunt Augusta. Him?
- Him what? - My father?
Oh, my God! The Crowder money lost?
- Bad medicine. - That's why I want you to ask
if any of his agents have been seen.
- I'll ask around. - Discreetly.
I love your auntie, Mr. Pullen.
I'm ready to die for her anytime. She says it and Wordsworth will die.
You help the helpless, Mr. Pullen.
I abide with you, too. Come.
It's me ... No, I...
Anything wrong?
Be prepared, dear, for something terrible.
What?
One should be prepared, of course, but
- One never is. - Oh, my God.
Perhaps I'm running out of luck.
He's dead.
He enjoyed his meal and champagne.
When it happened
He was laughing uproariously at seeing
Monsieur Le President on television.
In your suite, a national figure.
The publicity.
You're becoming more perceptive, Henry. There is a problem.
There has to be a solution.
Mademoiselle, I will not give you one million francs.
Not one franc.
My husband was very old. I am very old.
Even our children are very old.
It will hurt no one if the circumstances of
Achille's death are made public.
If you choose to stir up a mess,
let it be on your own head.
- I will give you no money. - You are very hard, madam.
- What's your decision? - Madam ...
- This is my nephew, Henry Pulling. - Your nephew ? Of course, madam.
I was going to say, for the sake of everyone,
Wouldn't it be best if I escorted Madame Dambreuse to the hotel?
The management will cooperate and we can do whatever's necessary.
- Without me ? - Precisely.
I'm sorry, aunt Augusta but this is for the best.
You will stay here until I return or telephone you.
My husband's passing was very peaceful.
We had a rich and enduring marriage.
It is unfortunate that his last moments
could not be spent in his own home.
but these last weeks we have had considerable trouble
with the drains.
A call, monsieur.
Please, listen carefully, Henry.
Pack our suitcases and come over to Wordsworth's room.
We're already packed. Packed and thrown out.
Splendid! Then you can get here much sooner. Quickly, Henry, get going.
All our problems are solved, Henry.
God moves in his mysterious way.
A tragedy for Monsieur Dambreuse.
A lifeline for Mr. Visconti.
- You stole that. - I simply reclaimed it.
- It doesn't belong to you. - No, no.
It belongs to you, the Modigliani.
Mr. Dambreuse gave it to you.
- Rubbish! - Use your common sense, Henry.
Crowder will be delighted to take it off our hands.
Dealing with stolen paintings is one of his rackets.
It'll pacify him and we'll still realize enough
to ransom Mr. Visconti.
That's Madame Dambreuse's.
I do not believe Madame Dambreuse will notify the police.
She has compromised herself with that performance for the press.
For which I have to thank you.
No, what she'll probably do is notify Interpol
and try and get the painting back quietly.
Interpol?
If you do not return this at once, I shall go to Interpol.
You are an accomplice, of course,
in the eyes of Madame Dambreuse and, certainly, of Mr. Crowder.
I have been shamefully used.
I have done nothing wrong.
Well, nothing wrong, you have done nothing at all.
Nothing! Absolutely nothing.
My poor Henry, you have lived so ...
So meagerly!
What you call living your immorality.
Thieving, conniving, lying.
All those men.
La Quindicina! Tooley told me what it meant.
A circuit of whorehouses. I know what you were.
Mama mia! Mama mia!
I doesn't matter what his father's like. I despise them both.
You despise Mr. Visconti?
You! You insignificant, little ...
branch manager. Who are you to despise anyone?
I've always looked at the world straight in the eyes and
I've never despised anyone.
You've spent your life behind a teller's cage -
- and Angelique's skirts.
When I picked you up in London,
I could scarcely see you, your presence was so very dim.
And you presume to despise.
Grabbing about with your tubers. You ... You've risked nothing,
given nothing, suffered nothing, lost nothing.
Loved nothing. You've even dreamed nothing.
Take care, Henry. I am your last chance at life.
You bitch.
You malevolent, devouring, old ...
Henry, I
I apologize.
I'm sure you dreamed many things.
I'm sorry I was so rude.
- Henry, please. - I cannot continue with you.
You're fascinating. I've had an extraordinary time.
But you're nothing more than crook.
He needs me, Henry. He's old, he's poor.
I'm the only left here and I'm doing it all for love, Henry.
Love doesn't excuse everything, aunt Augusta.
I cannot help you further.
Poor Mr. Visconti. He has no luck, it seems, with either son.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
Mama, mama mia.
All my youth's coming back to me.
Mama mia!
What do you want me to do?
Here! Mr. Crowder. All arranged by dear Mario.
- But why in Spain? - It's conveniently near Africa.
Mr. Crowder prefers to transact business in friendly territory.
We're mad, leaving all the arrangements to Mario.
I don't trust him.
I don't, you don't but she do.
Is he really Mr. Visconti's son?
They say.
- Señor Crowder. - Mama mia.
- Mario. - Mama mia.
Good afternoon, Augusta.
Herr Biechdorfer, formerly with the Amsterdam Institute of Art.
This is my nephew and this is Wordsworth.
Well, Augusta, shall we get down to business?
Señora, teléfono.
Excuse me.
Augusta Bertram speaking.
We've been very patient, madam. This is the end.
Yes, but how do I know if
if he's even alive?
Augusta! Don't do what they want.
It doesn't matter about me.
One more day, Miss Bertram. 84° South of Torremolinos.
84° ... south ...
Write this down. 84° South of Torremolinos.
Six knots. Allow yourself seven hours to reach Mautil.
Six knots, seven hours to Mautil.
Four miles west, watch for a signal.
- I have the charts. - Good.
Hello! Hello!
They are so rude. Come along.
Let's settle the details of the Abdul fiasco first.
1,000 pounds for expenses to be accounted for.
I recall nothing about anything accounting.
10,000 for services rendered. 11,000 £ total.
- The services weren't rendered. - Not my fault.
Very well, eleven. Providing the painting is genuine.
The painting is genuine. And worth at least 250,000 dollars.
- Less his piece. - His piece. Whose?
- Expenses! Only expenses. - He's been paid $5,000.
- $5,000! - $125,000.
The insurance company will pay at least 175.
Agreed but are you prepared to deal with them directly?
Henry, a professional count, please.
- If you're ever looking for a job. - Thank you very much, sir.
Does Mr. Visconti ..?
Does he know who I am?
No, dear, not yet.
- He seduced my mother. - Visconti seduced everybody.
He may have been the most charming man that ever lived.
Well, I'm half Italian.
I don't have Italian feelings, I don't have Italian impulses.
The English environment could wipe out an Italian inheritance, Henry.
I've never even pinched a girl's bot...
Well, I've never done that sort of thing.
You mean to tell me, Henry, that in all your life
you've never even pinched a girl's bottom?
Well ... Miss Hornbuckle.
- It was a long time ago. - How did she react?
She was wearing very heavy clothes and something elastic underneath.
I don't think she felt it.
Africa!
Miss Bertram.
Alone.
Stay here.
Keep your hands where they can see them.
Augusta!
Ercole!
Augusta! My dear Augusta.
So, you have come to save me.
I'm here, Ercole.
I don't know how we lost contact with each other.
All these years. You have the money?
Yes, I have the money.
My darling Augusta, you have never let me down.
Close the case!
Augusta and I were cheats but Augusta would never cheat me.
Would you, my darling?
They didn't hurt you.
My poor Augusta.
You were so worried about me.
- Do I know this young man? - No.
But you know I always travel with an escort.
And why shouldn't you?
Thank you, my dear.
Come along.
I'll have the boat.
You may take the truck.
Thank you, Henry. Thank you very much.
Thank you, Wordsworth.
You know what makes it easier to bear
that that old scoundrel is my father?
The fact that you're my mother.
Rather a comeuppance, eh, Mom?
Oh, Henry, I'm used up.
I'm used up with being used, and using other people.
I don't know where I'm going. I'm lost.
We have ... practically 125,000 dollars.
I'm finished. My life is over.
We ... We have what?
Practically $125,000.
The money wasn't really in that case.
I mean, most of it wasn't.
It was. The man opened the case. I saw it.
It was a real $100 bill on the top and bottom of each pile.
But the rest ...
Neatly cut pages of the Barcelona telephone book.
Even your father wouldn't have the nerve to use a trick as old as that.
Oh, I ... I like you, Henry.
I like you, Mother.
I know you and I like you.
$125,000! We're rich, Henry.
Now, wait a minute. I may be a swindler, but I'm not a thief.
We'll buy back that painting and return it to Madame Dambreuse.
Oh, please, now, don't be stupid.
She doesn't want that painting now that she knows it's of me.
It shocked you. It will give her heart failure.
- You don't want this money? - Henry, it's your chance for life.
You can't go back to those dreary dahlias.
All right, Mother, I'll toss you for it
- You'll toss me for what? - For the future.
Heads, I live with you and your way.
Tails, you live with me and my way.
Who tosses the coin?
You mean you don't trust me ?
Leave it to Wordsworth, okay?
All right. All right.
Toss the coin in the air, Mr. Wordsworth and
let it fall where it will.
English subs corrected and synched by celajun